Dear body,
Firstly, I’d like to say thank you for still being alive. There have been multiple very near misses over the past couple of months, especially over the past few days. I’m so proud of you for taking every single hit and fighting so hard to ensure we survive.
Secondly I’d like to say I’m sorry. For the anger and resentment I feel towards you. For continuously asking you why you hate me. Unfortunately that’s a natural response to autoimmune conditions, because you’re attacking yourself! I wish you wouldn’t. I’m exhausted. But I know you can’t help it and I know you’re struggling to take anymore.
I’m surprised I’m still here to write this. I’m currently in hospital (as per usual). I’ve had anaphylaxis 3 times in the past 24 hours. I’m extremely unstable and awaiting transfer to a more specialist hospital.
I’ve had more anaphylaxis, systemic allergic reactions, adrenaline, steroids, oxygen, nebulisers & drug cocktails the past few months than I could imagine was physically possible.
I’ve been blue lighted to the resuscitation room unconscious and with no airway multiple times; I’ve spent a huge amount of time as an inpatient in hospital; I’ve had more needles and medical appliances stabbed in every part of me and parts I didn’t even realise existed; and my body feels broken.
When I sleep I dream of funeral plans, and I’m scared. I don’t want to die.
Living with an unstable, progressively worsening & life threatening condition is not how I imagined my life to be, but it’s what I’ve got, and there’s no changing that. Finally, I’m slowly beginning to accept it 🤍
I am SO grateful to still be here; to be able to take deep(ish) breaths; and to be able to continue fighting! I have no idea what the future holds, but I love life and feel incredibly lucky 🍀
I am forever grateful for the unwavering support of my family and friends, I wouldn’t have survived the past few months without them. I definitely wouldn’t have survived without my mum saving my life on multiple occasions.
Keep those you love close, and let them know how much they mean to you 🤍
“You can appreciate closeness, because you have felt distance.
The little things become the big ones.
You realise how precious the world is because you have seen how fragile it can be.
You hold those you love close because you realise how easily they can be taken away.
And most importantly you shout louder because you realise now more than ever how important it is for voices to be heard.”
~ Beautiful words by a fellow chronic illness fighter which resonate hugely.
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